D14's Review

Story Title: ‘Cassiopeia’: The Witness of our Journey

Author: D14

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/d14/

Status: Ongoing

Reviewer: m_girl07

*Note: Any harsh comments made by the reviewer are not intentional and are meant to help the writer in every way possible. The reviewer would also like to apologize for taking her time with this review=p.*

Title: 4/5

-Your title was very unique and I’ve never seen “Cassiopeia” used, although you’d think a lot of people would=p. I don’t really get what “journey” you’re talking about but I guess that’s going to come up later on in the story.

Forewords: 10/10

-You had a perfect foreword because it told people what it was about, you gave them a preview and had an author’s note. If I was a reader, I’d want to click ‘next’!

First Impression: 8/10

-Your fanfic was very organized and even had subtitles for each chapter. The graphics for it were also nicely done but your background made it hard to read sometimes because of the words.

Plot/Story line: 11/15

-Everything was put together well because you explained a bit of her past and then went into the present. The storyline was interesting but it didn’t really leave me wanting more.

Flow: 3/5

-I found your story to have a lot of things occur out of the blue; like their feelings for each other. She thinks Junsu is cute, Yunho has somewhat of an attraction to Yoon Ri, etc. You could’ve progressed that better or maybe developed it so that it didn’t occur so suddenly.

Creativity/Originality: 5/10

-It wasn’t anything I didn’t already read many times and see in dramas. When an average girl meets or lives next to a celebrity and they suddenly fall in love with each other. You did add in your own flavour to it, especially the names of the drinks=D!

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 9/15

-Despite what you say about English not being your first language, I think your grammar is pretty good! There are a few things that I noticed that you tend to repeat but I’ll point them out for you so you know what I’m talking about and will know in the future=):

“She had a long black silky hair; it was straight although kind of mess. Her bangs

cover her closed eyes and their long lashed.” (Chapter 1)

-This sentence should be: “She had long, black silky hair; it was straight, although kind of messy. Her bangs covered her closed eyes and her long lashes”. When you say a ‘hair’, you’re implying that she only has one piece of hair.

“Yeah. That was my childhood friend, Choi Seul Yeon.” (Chapter 2)

-It’s the same idea so you can use a comma instead of a period.

“…and order me a menu with my name.” Changmin answered.” (Chapter 5)

-‘Menu’ should be ‘item’ because a menu is the actual book they give you to order from.

“It was next to my room and a little different, it was bigger, maybe twice bigger than my room.” (Chapter 6)

-The last part should be “…maybe twice as big as my room”.

“I feel like threw you to trash bin.” (Chapter 8)

-‘Threw” should be “throwing” because she hasn’t done it yet.

“Come on, as a Cassiopeia, I would do anything to have a dinner at DBSK’s apartment.” (Chapter 11)

-“Cassiopeia” should be “Cassiopeian” or “member of Cassiopeia” because by itself, it’s a place or group.

“…I felt like to thrown away this ‘leader’ position and ran away. Ran away for the sake of my life. Ran away from those super tight schedules.” (Chapter 11)

-“Ran” should be “run”

Writing Style: 7/10

-Writers have different writing styles, which make each of them unique. Yours wasn’t anything too special because you didn’t provide many details about the setting or in general but it was still nice and light=).

Characterization: 7/10

-Like I said before, some of the feelings of the characters were developed too quickly which kind of made it sudden but other than that, everything else was fine.

Communication with Readers: 5/5

-How could I not give you a perfect score for this section? You pretty much had a message every chapter and you were so friendly!

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5

-I really did like your fanfic because I love cafes and love DBSK! It was nice and a light read, nothing too complicated=).

Subtotal: 73/100

Bonus: 5/5

-Like I said, I love DBSK so…hehe=p.

Total: 78/100

Wishing for the Miracle Review

Story Title: Wishing for the Miracle…

Author: 13nz

Link: www.winglin.net/fanfic/JunPin/

Status: On-going

Reviewer: morning_glory

*Note: This in no way is to be taken as an offense against the author or the story. This is an honest review intended for critiquing and helping the story, nothing else.*

Title: 3/5 The title kind of gives away the main point of the story, and you can feel that this might be kind of sad. Also, it's grammatically incorrect: maybe it could be Wishing For the Miracle..., or Wishing for the miracle... instead?

Forewords: 8/10 The forewords were pretty straight-forward, you introduced your characters, and you gave a short summary. Just maybe check your grammar when you type the summary, there were 2-3 errors.

She loved him since the first time they met.. (She loved him ever since the first time they met.)
He cared a lot for her but he doesn’t realized that he loves her until they meet again..

(He cared a lot for her but he didn’t realize that he loves her until they meet again.)
Her dream was to give him eternal happiness, but could she fulfill her dreams when she have to fight for her own life against her illness?

(Her dream was to give him eternal happiness, but could she fulfill her dreams when she has to fight for her own life against her illness?)
Is there still a miracle for their love?

First Impression: 10/10 The poster and the background were really pretty; they gave a wistful, dreamy quality to the page.

Plot/Story line: 10/15 Your plot was a girl loves guy, guy finally realizes it plot. It was similar to others with the same idea, but your way of writing and your little details make all the difference. Also, cliffhangers are good, but I want to know, do you know what your next moment, where the next little part of your story is going? Because that is important, in terms of the story as a whole.

Flow: 3/5 It went from main point to main point, which was good; you could have delayed their meeting a bit, though; give us an idea of how she was before she saw him again.

Creativity/Originality: 8/10 As I said, it was a bit common, but you built your story with your own ideas, giving it your own originality.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 12/15 A couple grammar problems, but nothing really big. Sometimes a bit hard to understand, but I get the point. Just try spell-checking it, and that should be fine. :)

Writing Style: 7/10 Your writing style is mostly dialogue; maybe more description, so that your readers can imagine what you are talking about.

Characterization: 8/10 Since this story was basically about two people, your way of presenting them was good; but, since Jaejoong is now the third wheel, maybe you should get in his head a bit too?

Communication with Readers: 5/5 You communicated with your readers a lot and often, which is good.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5 This story is really good, just keep doing your best! :)

Subtotal: 79/100

Bonus: 5/5

Total: 84/100

Could Have Been The One Review

Story Title: Could Have Been The One

Author: kibbit

Link: www.winglin.net/fanfic/kibbit/

Status: On-going

Reviewer: Juliada3

*Note: I am not prejudiced toward the author or their fanfic in any way, this review is purely objective and is intended to help the author in becoming a better writer.*

Title: 3/5
I don't think that the "the" should be capitalized in your title. Your title also indicates a sad, dramatic, love story. Your story is a love story, but the overall mood is not sad, really.

Forewords: 7/10
Your forewords follow your story, but you could give a better synopsis of the story so the readers get the gist of the story, and know if they want to continue to read it!

First Impression: 6/10
At first glance, your poster and your background gives the indication that your story is happy, which is at odds with your title. The title gave the impression that your story would be a tragedy with a sad ending, but instead it ended with a happy ending. You could change your title to fit with your story so you don't mislead readers.

Plot/Story line: 12/15
I really liked your plot. Your story had some conventional things in it, but you still pulled through and made it your own.

Flow: 4/5
Your flow was pretty good. You didn't have really many places where it was extremely obvious that you were dragging or speeding up the story.

Creativity/Originality: 7/10
It was okay, but you didn't have that many creative things in there. There were many conventions, but you did add some things that people don't normally see. If you created some things from your imagination, then your story could improve even more.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 9/15
You have quite a few spelling mistakes. Your grammar also has some problems. Your vocabulary could also improve, but your punctuation is pretty good.

Writing Style: 5/10
You wrote in script style, which I do not like because there is not much room for details and descriptions of the scenes. If you changed it to paragraph style, you could add more details, describe your characters more, and create a better picture of your characters and your story.

Characterization: 6/10
Since you wrote in script style, I did not get a very good characterization of the main characters. I got a few details on them, but like I said, I didn't understand them as well as I would have liked.

Communication with Readers: 3/5
The interaction between Ha-neul and her two parents brings sympathy and "awwww" feelings to readers. I really liked that, and there were many moments where she was really cute and brought her parents together more.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5

I really liked your story. I know you can improve, and make it rock!

Subtotal: 66/100

Bonus: 4/5

Total: 70/100

Wishing for the Miracle... Review

Story: Wishing for the Miracle...

Author: 13nz

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/JunPin/

Status: 22+ (ongoing)
Reviewer: iasianese @ untouchable-desires

*Disclaimer: This review is only to help the author, not being hush or anything, but if this review did not fit into your taste, then I truly am sorry. However, this is in hopes that I could help you improve on your writing for the future and if you decide to write, many more fan fictions.

Title: 5/5

; Your title was good and eye catching. In addition, it really did make sense with the story, which I liked.

Forewords: 7/10 [+2]

; It was short and simple, but I believe you could of had gone into the details of the characters a little bit more, telling us what their personality is like, one word is more like dot points to me, which isn't much information. Though I have to say that your preview of the story was amazing, it really gets you thinking, is it a sad story or a happy one; you just never know.

First Impression: 6/10

; The title got me thinking about the genre, which is a good thing. I did not really get what you are trying to show in the poster besides the couple thingy, which is what I think you're trying to show; but it was well done. However, the font you chose to write the quotations was a little bit hard to read. I think if you chose to use that font, the coloring of it can be brighter, making the words easier to be seen! When the link was opened, I was shocked to the bones, it looked long... Then when I looked at the chapters, it was not as bad.

Plot/Story line: 10/15

; At parts you would leave the readers hanging, craving for more, but what I would like to know is where this story is trying to lead toward, you are not really showing that...

Flow: 4/5

; Okay, the flow in this story's flow so out of balance I guess, Judging by the looks of things, I believe you're trying to get though every bit of the details but at times the flow would either be slow of fast; butting it out of balance. The story was then starting to get into place when I reached chapter 20, so beware of what you write! :)

Creativity/Originality: 8/10

; I do not think it is original since there is heap of fan fictions out there, but your story is starting to flow as I started to read on and deeper into the story. Moreover, how she started to cough blood and everything, I think you explained it good, how she knew what is happening.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 10/15 [+3]

; Like you said in your forewords, English is not your first language, so I am not going to deduct points from you, but at places, I had to think about what you are trying to say. At least you tried, right? Anyhow the vocabulary an punctuations can be worked on, though this is only because most sentences aren’t always that short, and try to express what you’re trying to write more often; and not from time to time! ^^

; So, not being racist, but here is an example:

“Look, Dad have been told you so many times not to work. Dad still can give you money if you need it. Just tell me.” Her dad looked sad.

; This is what I reworded into, I tried to keep it similar to what you wrote: .__.

"Look, I've been telling you so many times not to work. I could always give you money if it's in need, just ask me." My father spoke, as his emotions were down - sad.

; The style in writing is correct but check your grammar, what really helps is that if you read it aloud or to someone else, you can then hear your mistakes!

Writing Style: 7/10

; The writing style is a mixed between a child’s fiction book and a script, which is something I rarely read, though I'm more of a novel reading person, the way you set out your story makes much better sense even if there’s grammatical mistakes.

Characterization: 9/10

; There weren’t as many characters which made it simpler to understand the personalities; which is a good point.

Communication with Readers: 4/5

; You're communication with the reader, was great but sometimes you can lose them with your punctuations because the English is hard to understand, but don't worry it takes time to understand and to read what you're saying; since it's your second language.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5

; I am truly enjoying your story, so please keep up the good work you are doing and in hopes that what I had pointed out will help you in the future!

Subtotal: 75/100

Bonus: 5 points ;)

Total: 80/100