Story Title: Reliance
Author: Mariel D.
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/valentina_02/
Status: One shot//Completed
Reviewer: Ms. McFartPants (Linlin Vito)
Note: I may not know the author and vice versa. I am here to review your fan fiction as honest as I can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this; directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you.
Title: 5/5
: The title fits the plot perfectly. It's quite appealing and somehow, I'm wishing to read more..
Forewords: 8/10
: I'm not impressed with the forewords. Yeah, it showed a small preview about the plot and the character's points of views but I think it needs something.. I just can't simply point it out.
First Impression: 9/10
: I was smiling when I first saw this fanfic. The poster really attracts me and the same with the background. But then when I saw that it was a one-shot, I told myself "Aw. Only a little GuiLun moments?" but it was still fine with me.
Plot/Story line: 13/15
: The story line was good, and I didn't see that part were Chun mentions to Guigui that the plane was borrowed. Good job on that one! The thing about Aaron being a pilot and he having a divorce with his wife is quite unique but I can't seem to understand why Guigui wasn't prove innocent.
Flow: 3/5
: I think the flow made me misunderstood something. Wait.. I'm thinking about it. I don't know how should I describe the flow. For me, it's quite fast but I think it's too slow; so I guess I'll give you 3..
Creativity/Originality: 9/10
: I love how your mind works, my friend! A pilot having a divorce? It's 99% original? This is the first time I've read something like this. Good job! :D
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 14/15
: Your mistakes are not that noticeable. I saw some wrong usage of punctuation marks but it's still good.
Writing Style: 8/10
: It's good. Nothing else to say..
Characterization: 8/10
: I love their characters and the way they played their roles. :D
Communication with Readers: 4/5
: I didn't feel something while reading it. So.. I guess it's a 4.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
: Enjoyed reading it! :D
Subtotal: 86/100
Bonus: 4/5
: Miss you, girl! ^^ xoxoxo
Total: 90/100
Friday, August 28, 2009
Free Your Mind Review
Story Title: Free Your Mind
Author: bangumGD
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/FYM/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: m_girl07
*Note: The reviewer has nothing against the writer or fanfic. This was reviewed with an open-mind and anything that may sound harsh is only meant to help them.*
Title: 2/5
-Your title isn’t very eye-catching or original. I can see how it can relate to your story though because everyone around he seems to be ignorant and think that because she’s Caucasian, she can’t speak Korean; except for the 2PM boy=D! “One Way Out” also sounds like something an angst or dramatic story would be called, yours was more of a melodramatic, romantic comedy so it might give readers the wrong idea but don’t change it now! You’re too far in=p.
Forewords: 7/10
-Your foreword was a great introduction to the story but it didn’t really say anything else about it like who was in it, the plot, an author’s note, etc. But it did set the mood of the story which is always great=).
First Impression: 8/10
-I loved the colours you used for the background and poster because it reflected the mood of your story perfectly. It was light and made you feel relaxed, like your fanfic^^.
Plot/Story line: 9/15
-The plot of your story isn’t bad, it has a little bit of everything but it isn’t really original (I’ll explain more later on). Your plot didn’t have anything I haven’t read in other fanfics like the whole high school drama but I still liked it because I kept clicking “next”. =p
Flow: 4/5
-You had great flow in your story and when she met someone that was nice to her, it wasn’t so sudden. Everything had a nice flow to it and there was nothing out of the ordinary. However, things do seem to drag on a bit.
Creativity/Originality: 4/10
-Like I said, I didn’t really see anything original because a lot of other stories have the same things in them, especially the ones that revolve around high school life but the idea of having a foreigner transfer over to their school is a first=)!
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 11/15
-You actually have very good grammar and spelling! I spotted a few mistakes here and there but it wasn’t anything too big. You did seem to forget to put your commas in certain places but that can be fixed^^.
“The remainder of their lunch was quietly, well as quiet as a school lunch was.” (Chapter 1)
-“Quietly” should be “quiet” because it’s not an action that someone is doing; you are describing something.
“She was quiet the looker…” (Chapter 2)
-You used the wrong spelling, it should be “quite”.
“Walking over Chase sat on the side of his bed and stared at his peaceful facade.” (Chapter 5)
-There should be a comma after “Walking over” because you want to break the thought but not completely because it’s the same idea. Great use of the word ‘facade’ though!
“Sitting down in between Taecyeon and Nichkhun Chase tilted her head to the side…” (Chapter 6)
-It’s the same idea here. There should be a comma after “Taecyeon and Nichkhun” because if you say it without it, it seems like Nichkhun’s last name is Chase=D!
“Laugh Chase covered her mouth with her hand…” (Chapter 8)
-This sentence should be reworded to: “Laughing, Chase covered her mouth with her hand…”
Writing Style: 7/10
-I like your writing style which is why I kept clicking next=p. I think you can use a little more description though when it comes to scenes and the setting.
Characterization: 6/10
-There wasn’t much development with the characters throughout the characters except for maybe Chase and her little brother. We know where they come from and their background but we don’t really know who they are as people. And the other characters seem to be just there=s. But you do describe what they look like physically*hint hint* which is a great start.
Communication with Readers: 5/5
-Of course I’m going to give you a perfect score for this because look at the long replies you posted at the end! And he notes you left for your beloved readers when you couldn’t update for a day. Now that’s dedication^^!
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
-I enjoyed it very much! I thought it was funny and a light-read. I was going to read the other chapters another day but I just kept going and going and the next thing I knew, I was done!
Subtotal: 67/100
Bonus: 5/5
-I’m going to give you bonuses for having a story that kept me reading and I just started reading 2PM fanfics and they’re starting to grow on me=p. I hope you liked your review and I’m glad you like my way of reviewing=D!
Total: 72/100
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Everything's Not Lost
Story Title: Everything's Not Lost
Author: krispykream7
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/krispykream7777/
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Ms. McFartPants (Linlin Vito)
Note: I may not know the author and vice versa. I am here to review your fan fiction as honest as I can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this; directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you. ^^
**Sorry, I'm quite busy right now so I kinda rushed your review. Hope you forgive me! :D
Title: 3/5
; I wasn't quite satisfied with your title. And it wasn't that appealing.
Forewords: 6/10
; The forewords was rushed- no characters, no introductions.. yeah, there was a description and the rating and genre and stuffs but it wasn't enough to satisfy a reader. Maybe editing it and adding stuffs will be good.
First Impression: 8/10
;I'm not that happy because the poster isn't that good but I love the picture. The fonts was okay so I guess an 8 will do.
Plot/Story line: 12/15
; I didn't get the plot- it was a little confusing for me. I'm sorry, just 13 here :) But I did love the YooSu moments. (mwuahahaha! xD)
Flow: 4/5
; The flow was good. It was easy to catch up with the plot.
Creativity/Originality: 7/10
; The plot is too cliche. It's so common especially if you combined it with a Yaoi couple.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 11/15
; I saw some wrong spellings and wrong grammars. And some of them are noticeable. ^^
Writing Style: 8/10
; It was good, I love it. :D
Characterization: 7/10
; The characters' roles are again, too cliche.
Communication with Readers: 3/5
; Young readers are forbidden to read your plot. But at least you did put a warning that it's rated R in the forewords.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
; x.o.x.o
Subtotal: 83/100
Bonus: 3/5
Total: 86/100
Author: krispykream7
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/krispykream7777/
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Ms. McFartPants (Linlin Vito)
Note: I may not know the author and vice versa. I am here to review your fan fiction as honest as I can in order for you to improve. Irritating words and eye-sore critics may appear in this; directly or indirectly. But all of that is for no other means, except to aid you in improving yourself. My POV may differ from others. I sincerely apologize if my review contains any offensive comments and criticisms. Thank you. ^^
**Sorry, I'm quite busy right now so I kinda rushed your review. Hope you forgive me! :D
Title: 3/5
; I wasn't quite satisfied with your title. And it wasn't that appealing.
Forewords: 6/10
; The forewords was rushed- no characters, no introductions.. yeah, there was a description and the rating and genre and stuffs but it wasn't enough to satisfy a reader. Maybe editing it and adding stuffs will be good.
First Impression: 8/10
;I'm not that happy because the poster isn't that good but I love the picture. The fonts was okay so I guess an 8 will do.
Plot/Story line: 12/15
; I didn't get the plot- it was a little confusing for me. I'm sorry, just 13 here :) But I did love the YooSu moments. (mwuahahaha! xD)
Flow: 4/5
; The flow was good. It was easy to catch up with the plot.
Creativity/Originality: 7/10
; The plot is too cliche. It's so common especially if you combined it with a Yaoi couple.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 11/15
; I saw some wrong spellings and wrong grammars. And some of them are noticeable. ^^
Writing Style: 8/10
; It was good, I love it. :D
Characterization: 7/10
; The characters' roles are again, too cliche.
Communication with Readers: 3/5
; Young readers are forbidden to read your plot. But at least you did put a warning that it's rated R in the forewords.
Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
; x.o.x.o
Subtotal: 83/100
Bonus: 3/5
Total: 86/100
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
One Way Out Review
Story Title: One Way Out
Author: Fynrile
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/fynrile3/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: m_girl07
*Note: The reviewer has nothing against the writer or the themes discussed in the story. This review is purely based on a professional level and is meant to help the writer.*
Title: 2/5
-Your title was very simple and I don’t think it really summarized you story. You should’ve chosen something that related to your story more; that way, readers will know. It could be because your fanfic isn’t done yet but is Sungmin trying to get out of the lifestyle that he entered?
Forewords: 7/10
-Your forewords was a bit unorganized and with fanfics, you don’t need to provide pictures because most of the time, they read certain stories because of the characters so they already know what they look like. You gave readers a preview of what’s to come, which is good. One thing you forgot to do that was important was the warning. You’re fanfic isn’t only yaoi, but it’s also rated, very rated actually=p. I don’t mind reading rated because, well, I’m old enough (lol) but there are a lot of people out there who are still uncomfortable with it so it would be nice to give them a heads up.
First Impression: 8/10
-My first impression of it was that it was going to be something dark and anything but happy and cheerful. I was right for the most part. You also matched the colours of the fonts and the colours of the poster so it all fit perfectly=).
Plot/Story line: 10/15
-Your plot was interesting but I felt there were a lot of things missing. I’ll explain more in the other sections but a lot of the things you included in your plot were things that have been done before.
Flow: 2/5
-Everything between your characters happened way too fast. It was not developed properly and things were a bit rushed. How could you hate someone and then fall in love with them a few days after? And with Ryeowook being gang raped, that is something very traumatic but why does he open up to Yesung so quickly after? Be careful with the flow and make sure things make sense.
Creativity/Originality: 6/10
-A lot of the ideas you used in your story were things that have been done before. However, with these things, I give writers points if they give it their own twist. I can see you tried but it still wasn’t very original because if mostly involved cheating or having conflict with someone.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 13/15
-Your grammar and vocabulary is great and I didn’t see too many mistakes. With your story, I can just read through it without correcting things in my head. I did see a few mistakes with punctuation but it’s nothing too big so you don’t have to worry about it too much^^.
“Eeteuk looked at caring.” (Chapter 1)
-Remove the ‘ed’ because with it, it’s past tense and that sentence is implying something that is happening in the present.
“…and walked around for a while before he ran into a few people he knew.” (Chapter 4)
-You said he ran into a few people but after you only talk about one person. You should change it to “someone he recognized”.
“Ryeowook wished it would go by faster, but as soon as his school day was he wished time would go backwards because the time is coming and he doesn't know how to do it.” (Chapter 6)
-You should remove the comma and place it after ‘was’ because it separates the thought.
Writing Style: 9/10
-You have a very nice writing style and I liked the way you wrote. You gave lots of detail to the setting and what was happening so that it was easy to visualize. Your writing is also very organized so it wasn’t hard on the eyes.
Characterization: 5/10
-You didn’t develop your character at all. All of them just seemed to jump into the relationships and seemed to fall in love with each other five seconds after meeting each other. It’s great that you got things going but sometimes, because it’s so sudden, it makes things confusing and some readers might get frustrated. They also don’t know much about their backgrounds or where they came from.
Communication with Readers: 4/5
-You didn’t leave a note at the end of each chapter but when you did, it was so long! I’m glad you didn’t forget about them! Sometimes, it seems like readers just skip that part but it’s nice to always say ‘hello’=).
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
-Other than the things I mentioned, I didn’t mind reading. I’ve read a few yaoi and some rated ones too but none that had both together! It was interesting to see it put together.
Subtotal: 69/100
Bonus: 4/5
-I’m giving you bonuses for writing something that a lot of people are afraid to write. You also have a way with words; just remember to work on the flow things and it would be almost perfect!
Total: 73/100
Monday, August 24, 2009
Reminisce Review
Story Title: Reminisce
Author: Darkess
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/DarkessOnes/
Status: One-Shot
Reviewer: Lyselmae Atienza @ Untouchable Desires
*Note: Please DO NOT take my comments seriously. I am here to help you improve, or what not. I have nothing against the author and vice versa. I am here to do my job so please take my comments as something to benefit from, rather than insults. I am a harsh reviewer that may say things that are not pleasing to the author, yet again I am just a reviewer, here to help the author improve their writing skills and intelligence.*
Title: 4/5
Unlike the other reviewers, I liked your title. Your title was plain but had a lot hidden in it. Not only did it fit with the story perfectly, the whole idea of using a title that was unnoticeable and surprising to the readers, was a great choice. Looking and reading the story, it had a good feel into it because the title completed it.
Forewords: 5/10
I wouldn’t say that I was a fan of your forewords. It was missing a lot of elements. I think you shouldn’t lengthen the forewords to give the readers something to look forwards to, something to encourage the readers to support and read your fanfics. Since this is a collection, I decided to give you a passing grade since you were going to have more than one story introduced in the forewords. Besides that, please do lengthen your forewords.
First Impression: 7/10
I liked the poster and organization, but the background seemed out of place… I liked your idea though.
Plot/Story line: 10/15
Your plot managed to amaze me, although the plot is common. I’ve read plots like these before. The thing that amazed me is your detailed and organized flashbacks in the story. Yes, I have read plots like these before, but you added your own originality.
Flow: 3/5
The flow was good for a one shot. Wasn’t too fast or to slow.
Creativity/Originality: 8/10
Like I said, you managed to add your own originality/creativity in the story. The flashbacks were a first for me. This was the first time I read a One-Shot with such organized flashbacks without me getting lost in the story. Good job.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 13/15
You had a great advantage here. I understood everything. You met my standard when it comes to this portion; although, you made a few mistakes. They weren’t big so it wasn’t too noticeable.
Writing Style: 8/10
I liked your writing style. For me, it was easy to read and understand. It looked organized. The chapter had an acceptable length, resulting to good grades. It was clean.
Characterization: 9/10
Being a reviewer, I have no rights in judging your choice of characters. I had no problems with your characterization. I’m not supposed to be picky with characters. It’s basically up to the author themselves to pick their characters. The only thing I ask you to improve on is portraying the personalities of the characters better. Many people have problems with this because sometimes they feel the characteristics they’ll give might be way of topic. But since you are capable of such improvement, I’ll be looking forward to it :)
Communication with Readers: 1/5
You barely had communication with readers. Be sure to improve on that.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I liked your story. Good job.
Subtotal: 71/100
Bonus: 5/5
Sorry for making you wait :S, Good luck! & for the misunderstanding we had with the request, I apologize sincerely.
Total: 76/105
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Poise: Prince's Powers Review
Story Title: Poise: Prince’s Powers
Author: MIzconfuz3d
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/poise2/
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Lyselmae Atienza @ Untouchable Desires
*Note: Please DO NOT take my comments seriously. I am here to help you improve, or what not. I have nothing against the author and vice versa. I am here to do my job so please take my comments as something to benefit from, rather than insults. I am a harsh reviewer that may say things that are not pleasing to the author, yet again I am just a reviewer, here to help the author improve their writing skills and intelligence.*
Title: 4/5
Honestly, I had no idea what the title meant until I read the story. I liked the title, yet it was a different type of title. It’s composed with different ideas which made the title stand out. The connection between the title and the story itself was indescribably well done.
Forewords: 8/10
Your foreword was good. In the content, you had what was normally placed in the forewords. The only think I’d advice; it’s optional whether you take it as something to benefit you but you might want to add an “About the author” section whereas new readers can know more about you and what else to expect. Also, communicate with the audience more, yet again it’s optional.
First Impression: 9/10
Since you are well experienced, I wasn’t shocked with I had pondered with. Everything was organized, the poster was well done, the font colors were well coordinated, etc. Basically, it had everything I had expected and wanted to see in a fanfic. Great job.
Plot/Story line: 14/15
Your plot/storyline was very unique. I haven’t read such plots before, but in some chapters, there were a few things I was familiar with. But the plot was really a shock. Since I haven’t read the first one to this sequel, I’m missing a lot. I can’t wait for your next fanfics.
Flow: 3/5
The flow was well done and well coordinated. Everything was in place and the timing was great, but in some cases, it seemed to slow done because unnecessary scenes were added. Be sure to watch out for that. Adding details is good, but too much detail create boredom and loss of readers.
Creativity/Originality: 8/10
Well, the plot was original itself. The story was great. Even though the plot was unique already, you added creativity that brightened the story like adding powers that only Yoona had, creating her as the main target, etc. Everything was just beautiful.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 12/15
I guess I wasn’t a big fan of this section in your story. You tend to make mistakes as to mixing up your tenses. In some cases you replaced a word that was supposed to be past tense into present, and vice versa. The only thing I advice you is to ask someone to read your fanfic before posting it up to see if THEY have any opinions concerning this section.
Writing Style: 8/10
I liked your writing style. For me, it was easy to read and understand. It looked organized. The chapter had an acceptable length, resulting to good grades :D
Characterization: 9/10
I had no problems with your characterization. I’m not supposed to be picky with characters. It’s basically up to the author themselves to pick their characters. The only thing I ask you to improve on is portraying the personalities of the characters better. Many people have problems with this because sometimes they feel the characteristics they’ll give might be way of topic. But since you are capable of such improvement, I’ll be looking forward to it :)
Communication with Readers: 3/5
Your communication with readers is rather fluent; could be improved. ;P
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I liked your story simply because your plot is great :)
Subtotal: 81/100
Bonus: 3/5
Sorry for making you wait :S, Good luck!
Total: 84/105
Don't Feed the Animals Review
Story Title: Don't Feed the Animals (One-Shot)
Author: Andi
Status:
Reviewer:
*Note: I am not prejudiced toward the author or their fanfic in any way, this review is purely objective and is intended to help the author in becoming a better writer.*
Title: 5/5
Your title fit perfectly with your story. It is different from most other stories, and makes some people curious as to what the story is about. Your poster is also appropriate as it goes with the mood from the story, which is very happy. In the poster, everyone is happy. Good job!
Forewords: 8/10
Your forewords are pretty good. You introduced the characters, and you gave a little synopsis of the story, and created suspense so readers would want to continue. You did a pretty good job, and your description of your characters and your synopsis were both to the point. It gave us a good idea of the characters' personalities.
First Impression: 8/10
When I first saw the title of this fanfic in my inbox, I wondered, "What is this story about?" When I clicked on the link, the poster came up, and the background loaded. The whole effect gave me the impression that this story would be interesting.
Plot/Story line: 14/15
Your plot was interesting. In reality, if you met your favorite idols of all time, you would probably be screaming your head off, right? But in your fanfic, your heroine is in shock, which is also possible. I was interested with about the date, and I wanted to know what would happen next. When four of the guys tried to flirt with the girl, I thought the last one would too. Surprisingly, he didn't, and just tried to be himself. And when Jaejoong rode out on an elephant, I was totally not expecting that. It was a wonderful addition, and I was laughing so hard I almost fell out of my chair. I really liked your plot.
Flow: 4/5
Your story flowed well, and it was not too fast or too slow. You didn't try to throw everything together and make everything happen too fast, which can happen quite frequently with a one-shot. This was not one of those times.
Creativity/Originality: 7/10
The elephant and Jaejoong part was totally original. I also have never read a story set in the zoo. That was pretty creative. I have read stories before where the main character, who is usually normal, goes on a date with a star, but you put your own spin on it.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 12/15
There were several grammar mistakes, but you had no spelling mistakes whatsoever. You had good vocabulary, but you could have added a bit more. Your punctuation was good, and I didn't notice any mistakes at all. You just have to polish up your grammar, and you will be perfect!
Writing Style: 7/10
Your writing style is not script, so that's good. You leave plenty of space in between ideas, so that makes it clear and easy to read. It is very neat and you don't change the style randomly.
Characterization: 7/10
Your descriptions of Jaejoong, Yoochun, Yunho, Changmin, and Junsu in the forewords match with their actions in the fanfic. Jaejoong tries to be romantic with Emily. Yoochun tries to sweet talk her. Yunho tries to seduce her. Junsu is very innocent and tells Emily straight out that he's not ready for a girlfriend. Changmin barely talks until the end. Emily is caught in between all of the guys and their attempts to flirt with her.
Communication with Readers: 4/5
You communicated with the reader very well. There were lots of times where the situation merited a laugh. I laughed so much that my hiccups which I had earlier disappeared. Thanks for helping me!
Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
I loved this fanfic! It was hilarious and made me laugh. You are a very good writer. I hope you write many more fanfics! Keep working hard!
Subtotal: 81/100
Bonus: 4/5
Total: 85/100
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
VampireGal Review
Story Title: VampireGal
Author: mexme
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mexme/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: Darkess
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 5/5
It definately fits the storyline! And you had your readers pick one out, so credits to Cc-L3mOn for the title, right? Good job with it. It would definately catch my eye on the winglin page as well, but that could also be because I'm naturally attracted to anything that has to do with vampires XD
Forewords: 6/10
It's very... short. There isn't really much to grade on here. You definately could have put a summary or teaser for the story so that people can start looking foreward to reading before they even begin the story.
First Impression: 6/10
It's very bright and the background hurts my eyes a lot. You might want to request a poster and bg from untouchable-desires or another site, or just change the background.
Plot/Story line: 6/15
It was so similar to Twilight, and I hate to keep going on about this Twilight thing since you already realize that your story is like this a lot, that I really couldn't think about anything else throughout the story except for the parts that you missed >< I did like however how you put th e dog being saved and the reason behind that instead of Aaron almost being killed by a car. I do wonder, however, what Danson and Hebe are talking about outside. You end your chapters with a slight cliffhanger sometimes, which is very good. I can only suggest adding more YOU into the story, as you will see that I say later on many times :P
Flow: 4/5
The timing in the story is going along well, except you are jumping their relationship ahead very quickly. Slow it down a little, make it seem real. I know It's fun to get to a part that you really want to write about, but it makes a story so much better if you build up to the big things that everyone is anticipating.
Creativity/Originality: 2/10
You are starting to put in some of your own things, like them laughing at him while he is eating and such, but for the story that I just read? Exact copyright of Stephanie Meyers. Not even the book, but the movie version. Of course you edited quite a bit, which I'm very happy about, but YOU and your writing personality has to be inserted in there somehow. Really show us as readers what a good author I know you actually are. Come up with some of your own twists and turns in the story, and make sure that they aren't based off of something that you've seen or read recently :P
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 11/15
Soon the bell ranged. (Chapter 1)
Soon the bell rang.
her hair falls to the length of her shoulder (c hapter 1)
her hair fell to the length of her shoulders
And my eyes landed on the girl that I have bump into this morning. (chapter 1)
that I had bumped into
The lesson went pass and we did not spoke to each other. (chapter 2)
The lesson passed and we did not speak to each other.
“How is your lesson Aaron?” Gui asked me. (chapter 2)
either can be "How was your lesson, Aaron?" or "How were your lessons, Aaron?"
Time gone fast and we went to the café. (chapter 4)
Time went fast and we went
she already at the Tians table. (chapter 4)
She was already at the Tian's table.
They look like they was about to kill me, its frightening. (chapter 4)
They looked like they were about to kill me, it was frightening.
And its really creepy.(chapter 4)
and it was really creepy.
Then I saw Hebe with the Tians. I did not want to get caught staring at them, so I look front. (chapter 4)
Then I saw Hebe with the Tians. I did not want to get caught staring at them, so I looked foreward.
A dog on the road and a car was speeding towards it. (chapter 4)
A dog was on the road and a car was speeding towards it.
, as fast or faster then wind. (chapter 4)
as fast, or faster than the wind.
Vampires does not sleep, (chapter 4)
vampires do not sleep,
Then she spoked. (chapter 5)<>
Then she spoke.
Rainie and Selina was watching me eat like they were watching a comedy show… How weird (chapter 8)
were watching me eat
was Hebe and Danson doing outside. (chapter 8)
were Hebe and Danson doing outside.
There were also many many times in the story where you started a sentence with the word 'and'. It isn't a great way to start a sentence. You could try making it a compound sentence and intertwining it with the sentence before it by just adding a comma.
Writing Style: 5/10
I really wish you would describe things a little more in your story. The setting is a school in the first couple of chapters, but you didn't say anything about items in the school, or any of the characters besides Hebe. You didn't really describe them being together at all besides the woods scene, and I really would have loved to read about more Bebu interaction, but none of it was there T.T Also, I think you could really improve the story just by adding an enter space between your paragraphs, and to make your paragraphs a little longer instead of having them all be one or two sentences long. If you are still describing or telling about the same thing, you don't have to hit the enter key and make a new line, just add a period and continue on with the tale :)
Characterization: 6/10
So Aaron is Bella, Hebe is Edward, Danson is Rosalie, Selina is Alice, and Rainie is Emmett? Did I get that all right? You20really have to add your own personalities to the characters :) It could help out the story a lot, and make it much more interesting. Also, describe them! Right now we know nothing about any of them except how Aaron just moved their or went to the school, and how Hebe turned into a vampire.
Communication with Readers: 5/5
You definately had communication with your leaders. Did they help you come up with the title and everything because of your posts? They even told you that it resembled Twilight a lot. At least your readers are honest ><
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I'm sorry, but for me it was just a bad version of Twilight. But I'm really glad that you are going to try and make it your own. Just add a few plot twists of things that weren't in the story :)
Subtotal: 58/100
Bonus: 2/5
Bonus for communicating with your readers to help you pick out a title and for listening to them when they told you that it was like Twilight ^^
Total: 60/105
Author: mexme
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mexme/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: Darkess
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 5/5
It definately fits the storyline! And you had your readers pick one out, so credits to Cc-L3mOn for the title, right? Good job with it. It would definately catch my eye on the winglin page as well, but that could also be because I'm naturally attracted to anything that has to do with vampires XD
Forewords: 6/10
It's very... short. There isn't really much to grade on here. You definately could have put a summary or teaser for the story so that people can start looking foreward to reading before they even begin the story.
First Impression: 6/10
It's very bright and the background hurts my eyes a lot. You might want to request a poster and bg from untouchable-desires or another site, or just change the background.
Plot/Story line: 6/15
It was so similar to Twilight, and I hate to keep going on about this Twilight thing since you already realize that your story is like this a lot, that I really couldn't think about anything else throughout the story except for the parts that you missed >< I did like however how you put th e dog being saved and the reason behind that instead of Aaron almost being killed by a car. I do wonder, however, what Danson and Hebe are talking about outside. You end your chapters with a slight cliffhanger sometimes, which is very good. I can only suggest adding more YOU into the story, as you will see that I say later on many times :P
Flow: 4/5
The timing in the story is going along well, except you are jumping their relationship ahead very quickly. Slow it down a little, make it seem real. I know It's fun to get to a part that you really want to write about, but it makes a story so much better if you build up to the big things that everyone is anticipating.
Creativity/Originality: 2/10
You are starting to put in some of your own things, like them laughing at him while he is eating and such, but for the story that I just read? Exact copyright of Stephanie Meyers. Not even the book, but the movie version. Of course you edited quite a bit, which I'm very happy about, but YOU and your writing personality has to be inserted in there somehow. Really show us as readers what a good author I know you actually are. Come up with some of your own twists and turns in the story, and make sure that they aren't based off of something that you've seen or read recently :P
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 11/15
Soon the bell ranged. (Chapter 1)
Soon the bell rang.
her hair falls to the length of her shoulder (c hapter 1)
her hair fell to the length of her shoulders
And my eyes landed on the girl that I have bump into this morning. (chapter 1)
that I had bumped into
The lesson went pass and we did not spoke to each other. (chapter 2)
The lesson passed and we did not speak to each other.
“How is your lesson Aaron?” Gui asked me. (chapter 2)
either can be "How was your lesson, Aaron?" or "How were your lessons, Aaron?"
Time gone fast and we went to the café. (chapter 4)
Time went fast and we went
she already at the Tians table. (chapter 4)
She was already at the Tian's table.
They look like they was about to kill me, its frightening. (chapter 4)
They looked like they were about to kill me, it was frightening.
And its really creepy.(chapter 4)
and it was really creepy.
Then I saw Hebe with the Tians. I did not want to get caught staring at them, so I look front. (chapter 4)
Then I saw Hebe with the Tians. I did not want to get caught staring at them, so I looked foreward.
A dog on the road and a car was speeding towards it. (chapter 4)
A dog was on the road and a car was speeding towards it.
, as fast or faster then wind. (chapter 4)
as fast, or faster than the wind.
Vampires does not sleep, (chapter 4)
vampires do not sleep,
Then she spoked. (chapter 5)<>
Then she spoke.
Rainie and Selina was watching me eat like they were watching a comedy show… How weird (chapter 8)
were watching me eat
was Hebe and Danson doing outside. (chapter 8)
were Hebe and Danson doing outside.
There were also many many times in the story where you started a sentence with the word 'and'. It isn't a great way to start a sentence. You could try making it a compound sentence and intertwining it with the sentence before it by just adding a comma.
Writing Style: 5/10
I really wish you would describe things a little more in your story. The setting is a school in the first couple of chapters, but you didn't say anything about items in the school, or any of the characters besides Hebe. You didn't really describe them being together at all besides the woods scene, and I really would have loved to read about more Bebu interaction, but none of it was there T.T Also, I think you could really improve the story just by adding an enter space between your paragraphs, and to make your paragraphs a little longer instead of having them all be one or two sentences long. If you are still describing or telling about the same thing, you don't have to hit the enter key and make a new line, just add a period and continue on with the tale :)
Characterization: 6/10
So Aaron is Bella, Hebe is Edward, Danson is Rosalie, Selina is Alice, and Rainie is Emmett? Did I get that all right? You20really have to add your own personalities to the characters :) It could help out the story a lot, and make it much more interesting. Also, describe them! Right now we know nothing about any of them except how Aaron just moved their or went to the school, and how Hebe turned into a vampire.
Communication with Readers: 5/5
You definately had communication with your leaders. Did they help you come up with the title and everything because of your posts? They even told you that it resembled Twilight a lot. At least your readers are honest ><
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I'm sorry, but for me it was just a bad version of Twilight. But I'm really glad that you are going to try and make it your own. Just add a few plot twists of things that weren't in the story :)
Subtotal: 58/100
Bonus: 2/5
Bonus for communicating with your readers to help you pick out a title and for listening to them when they told you that it was like Twilight ^^
Total: 60/105
VampireGal Review
Story Title: VampireGal
Author: mexme
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mexme/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: Darkess
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 5/5
It definately fits the storyline! And you had your readers pick one out, so credits to Cc-L3mOn for the title, right? Good job with it. It would definately catch my eye on the winglin page as well, but that could also be because I'm naturally attracted to anything that has to do with vampires XD
Forewords: 6/10
It's very... short. There isn't really much to grade on here. You definately could have put a summary or teaser for the story so that people can start looking foreward to reading before they even begin the story.
First Impression: 6/10
It's very bright and the background hurts my eyes a lot. You might want to request a poster and bg from untouchable-desires or another site, or just change the background.
Plot/Story line: 6/15
It was so similar to Twilight, and I hate to keep going on about this Twilight thing since you already realize that your story is like this a lot, that I really couldn't think about anything else throughout the story except for the parts that you missed >< I did like however how you put th e dog being saved and the reason behind that instead of Aaron almost being killed by a car. I do wonder, however, what Danson and Hebe are talking about outside. You end your chapters with a slight cliffhanger sometimes, which is very good. I can only suggest adding more YOU into the story, as you will see that I say later on many times :P
Flow: 4/5
The timing in the story is going along well, except you are jumping their relationship ahead very quickly. Slow it down a little, make it seem real. I know It's fun to get to a part that you really want to write about, but it makes a story so much better if you build up to the big things that everyone is anticipating.
Creativity/Originality: 2/10
You are starting to put in some of your own things, like them laughing at him while he is eating and such, but for the story that I just read? Exact copyright of Stephanie Meyers. Not even the book, but the movie version. Of course you edited quite a bit, which I'm very happy about, but YOU and your writing personality has to be inserted in there somehow. Really show us as readers what a good author I know you actually are. Come up with some of your own twists and turns in the story, and make sure that they aren't based off of something that you've seen or read recently :P
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 11/15
Soon the bell ranged. (Chapter 1)
Soon the bell rang.
her hair falls to the length of her shoulder (c hapter 1)
her hair fell to the length of her shoulders
And my eyes landed on the girl that I have bump into this morning. (chapter 1)
that I had bumped into
The lesson went pass and we did not spoke to each other. (chapter 2)
The lesson passed and we did not speak to each other.
“How is your lesson Aaron?” Gui asked me. (chapter 2)
either can be "How was your lesson, Aaron?" or "How were your lessons, Aaron?"
Time gone fast and we went to the café. (chapter 4)
Time went fast and we went
she already at the Tians table. (chapter 4)
She was already at the Tian's table.
They look like they was about to kill me, its frightening. (chapter 4)
They looked like they were about to kill me, it was frightening.
And its really creepy.(chapter 4)
and it was really creepy.
Then I saw Hebe with the Tians. I did not want to get caught staring at them, so I look front. (chapter 4)
Then I saw Hebe with the Tians. I did not want to get caught staring at them, so I looked foreward.
A dog on the road and a car was speeding towards it. (chapter 4)
A dog was on the road and a car was speeding towards it.
, as fast or faster then wind. (chapter 4)
as fast, or faster than the wind.
Vampires does not sleep, (chapter 4)
vampires do not sleep,
Then she spoked. (chapter 5)<>
Then she spoke.
Rainie and Selina was watching me eat like they were watching a comedy show… How weird (chapter 8)
were watching me eat
was Hebe and Danson doing outside. (chapter 8)
were Hebe and Danson doing outside.
There were also many many times in the story where you started a sentence with the word 'and'. It isn't a great way to start a sentence. You could try making it a compound sentence and intertwining it with the sentence before it by just adding a comma.
Writing Style: 5/10
I really wish you would describe things a little more in your story. The setting is a school in the first couple of chapters, but you didn't say anything about items in the school, or any of the characters besides Hebe. You didn't really describe them being together at all besides the woods scene, and I really would have loved to read about more Bebu interaction, but none of it was there T.T Also, I think you could really improve the story just by adding an enter space between your paragraphs, and to make your paragraphs a little longer instead of having them all be one or two sentences long. If you are still describing or telling about the same thing, you don't have to hit the enter key and make a new line, just add a period and continue on with the tale :)
Characterization: 6/10
So Aaron is Bella, Hebe is Edward, Danson is Rosalie, Selina is Alice, and Rainie is Emmett? Did I get that all right? You20really have to add your own personalities to the characters :) It could help out the story a lot, and make it much more interesting. Also, describe them! Right now we know nothing about any of them except how Aaron just moved their or went to the school, and how Hebe turned into a vampire.
Communication with Readers: 5/5
You definately had communication with your leaders. Did they help you come up with the title and everything because of your posts? They even told you that it resembled Twilight a lot. At least your readers are honest ><
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I'm sorry, but for me it was just a bad version of Twilight. But I'm really glad that you are going to try and make it your own. Just add a few plot twists of things that weren't in the story :)
Subtotal: 58/100
Bonus: 2/5
Bonus for communicating with your readers to help you pick out a title and for listening to them when they told you that it was like Twilight ^^
Total: 60/105
Author: mexme
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mexme/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: Darkess
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 5/5
It definately fits the storyline! And you had your readers pick one out, so credits to Cc-L3mOn for the title, right? Good job with it. It would definately catch my eye on the winglin page as well, but that could also be because I'm naturally attracted to anything that has to do with vampires XD
Forewords: 6/10
It's very... short. There isn't really much to grade on here. You definately could have put a summary or teaser for the story so that people can start looking foreward to reading before they even begin the story.
First Impression: 6/10
It's very bright and the background hurts my eyes a lot. You might want to request a poster and bg from untouchable-desires or another site, or just change the background.
Plot/Story line: 6/15
It was so similar to Twilight, and I hate to keep going on about this Twilight thing since you already realize that your story is like this a lot, that I really couldn't think about anything else throughout the story except for the parts that you missed >< I did like however how you put th e dog being saved and the reason behind that instead of Aaron almost being killed by a car. I do wonder, however, what Danson and Hebe are talking about outside. You end your chapters with a slight cliffhanger sometimes, which is very good. I can only suggest adding more YOU into the story, as you will see that I say later on many times :P
Flow: 4/5
The timing in the story is going along well, except you are jumping their relationship ahead very quickly. Slow it down a little, make it seem real. I know It's fun to get to a part that you really want to write about, but it makes a story so much better if you build up to the big things that everyone is anticipating.
Creativity/Originality: 2/10
You are starting to put in some of your own things, like them laughing at him while he is eating and such, but for the story that I just read? Exact copyright of Stephanie Meyers. Not even the book, but the movie version. Of course you edited quite a bit, which I'm very happy about, but YOU and your writing personality has to be inserted in there somehow. Really show us as readers what a good author I know you actually are. Come up with some of your own twists and turns in the story, and make sure that they aren't based off of something that you've seen or read recently :P
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 11/15
Soon the bell ranged. (Chapter 1)
Soon the bell rang.
her hair falls to the length of her shoulder (c hapter 1)
her hair fell to the length of her shoulders
And my eyes landed on the girl that I have bump into this morning. (chapter 1)
that I had bumped into
The lesson went pass and we did not spoke to each other. (chapter 2)
The lesson passed and we did not speak to each other.
“How is your lesson Aaron?” Gui asked me. (chapter 2)
either can be "How was your lesson, Aaron?" or "How were your lessons, Aaron?"
Time gone fast and we went to the café. (chapter 4)
Time went fast and we went
she already at the Tians table. (chapter 4)
She was already at the Tian's table.
They look like they was about to kill me, its frightening. (chapter 4)
They looked like they were about to kill me, it was frightening.
And its really creepy.(chapter 4)
and it was really creepy.
Then I saw Hebe with the Tians. I did not want to get caught staring at them, so I look front. (chapter 4)
Then I saw Hebe with the Tians. I did not want to get caught staring at them, so I looked foreward.
A dog on the road and a car was speeding towards it. (chapter 4)
A dog was on the road and a car was speeding towards it.
, as fast or faster then wind. (chapter 4)
as fast, or faster than the wind.
Vampires does not sleep, (chapter 4)
vampires do not sleep,
Then she spoked. (chapter 5)<>
Then she spoke.
Rainie and Selina was watching me eat like they were watching a comedy show… How weird (chapter 8)
were watching me eat
was Hebe and Danson doing outside. (chapter 8)
were Hebe and Danson doing outside.
There were also many many times in the story where you started a sentence with the word 'and'. It isn't a great way to start a sentence. You could try making it a compound sentence and intertwining it with the sentence before it by just adding a comma.
Writing Style: 5/10
I really wish you would describe things a little more in your story. The setting is a school in the first couple of chapters, but you didn't say anything about items in the school, or any of the characters besides Hebe. You didn't really describe them being together at all besides the woods scene, and I really would have loved to read about more Bebu interaction, but none of it was there T.T Also, I think you could really improve the story just by adding an enter space between your paragraphs, and to make your paragraphs a little longer instead of having them all be one or two sentences long. If you are still describing or telling about the same thing, you don't have to hit the enter key and make a new line, just add a period and continue on with the tale :)
Characterization: 6/10
So Aaron is Bella, Hebe is Edward, Danson is Rosalie, Selina is Alice, and Rainie is Emmett? Did I get that all right? You20really have to add your own personalities to the characters :) It could help out the story a lot, and make it much more interesting. Also, describe them! Right now we know nothing about any of them except how Aaron just moved their or went to the school, and how Hebe turned into a vampire.
Communication with Readers: 5/5
You definately had communication with your leaders. Did they help you come up with the title and everything because of your posts? They even told you that it resembled Twilight a lot. At least your readers are honest ><
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I'm sorry, but for me it was just a bad version of Twilight. But I'm really glad that you are going to try and make it your own. Just add a few plot twists of things that weren't in the story :)
Subtotal: 58/100
Bonus: 2/5
Bonus for communicating with your readers to help you pick out a title and for listening to them when they told you that it was like Twilight ^^
Total: 60/105
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