Story Title: VampireGal
Author: mexme
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mexme/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: Darkess
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 5/5
It definately fits the storyline! And you had your readers pick one out, so credits to Cc-L3mOn for the title, right? Good job with it. It would definately catch my eye on the winglin page as well, but that could also be because I'm naturally attracted to anything that has to do with vampires XD
Forewords: 6/10
It's very... short. There isn't really much to grade on here. You definately could have put a summary or teaser for the story so that people can start looking foreward to reading before they even begin the story.
First Impression: 6/10
It's very bright and the background hurts my eyes a lot. You might want to request a poster and bg from untouchable-desires or another site, or just change the background.
Plot/Story line: 6/15
It was so similar to Twilight, and I hate to keep going on about this Twilight thing since you already realize that your story is like this a lot, that I really couldn't think about anything else throughout the story except for the parts that you missed >< I did like however how you put th e dog being saved and the reason behind that instead of Aaron almost being killed by a car. I do wonder, however, what Danson and Hebe are talking about outside. You end your chapters with a slight cliffhanger sometimes, which is very good. I can only suggest adding more YOU into the story, as you will see that I say later on many times :P
Flow: 4/5
The timing in the story is going along well, except you are jumping their relationship ahead very quickly. Slow it down a little, make it seem real. I know It's fun to get to a part that you really want to write about, but it makes a story so much better if you build up to the big things that everyone is anticipating.
Creativity/Originality: 2/10
You are starting to put in some of your own things, like them laughing at him while he is eating and such, but for the story that I just read? Exact copyright of Stephanie Meyers. Not even the book, but the movie version. Of course you edited quite a bit, which I'm very happy about, but YOU and your writing personality has to be inserted in there somehow. Really show us as readers what a good author I know you actually are. Come up with some of your own twists and turns in the story, and make sure that they aren't based off of something that you've seen or read recently :P
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 11/15
Soon the bell ranged. (Chapter 1)
Soon the bell rang.
her hair falls to the length of her shoulder (c hapter 1)
her hair fell to the length of her shoulders
And my eyes landed on the girl that I have bump into this morning. (chapter 1)
that I had bumped into
The lesson went pass and we did not spoke to each other. (chapter 2)
The lesson passed and we did not speak to each other.
“How is your lesson Aaron?” Gui asked me. (chapter 2)
either can be "How was your lesson, Aaron?" or "How were your lessons, Aaron?"
Time gone fast and we went to the café. (chapter 4)
Time went fast and we went
she already at the Tians table. (chapter 4)
She was already at the Tian's table.
They look like they was about to kill me, its frightening. (chapter 4)
They looked like they were about to kill me, it was frightening.
And its really creepy.(chapter 4)
and it was really creepy.
Then I saw Hebe with the Tians. I did not want to get caught staring at them, so I look front. (chapter 4)
Then I saw Hebe with the Tians. I did not want to get caught staring at them, so I looked foreward.
A dog on the road and a car was speeding towards it. (chapter 4)
A dog was on the road and a car was speeding towards it.
, as fast or faster then wind. (chapter 4)
as fast, or faster than the wind.
Vampires does not sleep, (chapter 4)
vampires do not sleep,
Then she spoked. (chapter 5)<>
Then she spoke.
Rainie and Selina was watching me eat like they were watching a comedy show… How weird (chapter 8)
were watching me eat
was Hebe and Danson doing outside. (chapter 8)
were Hebe and Danson doing outside.
There were also many many times in the story where you started a sentence with the word 'and'. It isn't a great way to start a sentence. You could try making it a compound sentence and intertwining it with the sentence before it by just adding a comma.
Writing Style: 5/10
I really wish you would describe things a little more in your story. The setting is a school in the first couple of chapters, but you didn't say anything about items in the school, or any of the characters besides Hebe. You didn't really describe them being together at all besides the woods scene, and I really would have loved to read about more Bebu interaction, but none of it was there T.T Also, I think you could really improve the story just by adding an enter space between your paragraphs, and to make your paragraphs a little longer instead of having them all be one or two sentences long. If you are still describing or telling about the same thing, you don't have to hit the enter key and make a new line, just add a period and continue on with the tale :)
Characterization: 6/10
So Aaron is Bella, Hebe is Edward, Danson is Rosalie, Selina is Alice, and Rainie is Emmett? Did I get that all right? You20really have to add your own personalities to the characters :) It could help out the story a lot, and make it much more interesting. Also, describe them! Right now we know nothing about any of them except how Aaron just moved their or went to the school, and how Hebe turned into a vampire.
Communication with Readers: 5/5
You definately had communication with your leaders. Did they help you come up with the title and everything because of your posts? They even told you that it resembled Twilight a lot. At least your readers are honest ><
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I'm sorry, but for me it was just a bad version of Twilight. But I'm really glad that you are going to try and make it your own. Just add a few plot twists of things that weren't in the story :)
Subtotal: 58/100
Bonus: 2/5
Bonus for communicating with your readers to help you pick out a title and for listening to them when they told you that it was like Twilight ^^
Total: 60/105
Author: mexme
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mexme/
Status: On-going
Reviewer: Darkess
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 5/5
It definately fits the storyline! And you had your readers pick one out, so credits to Cc-L3mOn for the title, right? Good job with it. It would definately catch my eye on the winglin page as well, but that could also be because I'm naturally attracted to anything that has to do with vampires XD
Forewords: 6/10
It's very... short. There isn't really much to grade on here. You definately could have put a summary or teaser for the story so that people can start looking foreward to reading before they even begin the story.
First Impression: 6/10
It's very bright and the background hurts my eyes a lot. You might want to request a poster and bg from untouchable-desires or another site, or just change the background.
Plot/Story line: 6/15
It was so similar to Twilight, and I hate to keep going on about this Twilight thing since you already realize that your story is like this a lot, that I really couldn't think about anything else throughout the story except for the parts that you missed >< I did like however how you put th e dog being saved and the reason behind that instead of Aaron almost being killed by a car. I do wonder, however, what Danson and Hebe are talking about outside. You end your chapters with a slight cliffhanger sometimes, which is very good. I can only suggest adding more YOU into the story, as you will see that I say later on many times :P
Flow: 4/5
The timing in the story is going along well, except you are jumping their relationship ahead very quickly. Slow it down a little, make it seem real. I know It's fun to get to a part that you really want to write about, but it makes a story so much better if you build up to the big things that everyone is anticipating.
Creativity/Originality: 2/10
You are starting to put in some of your own things, like them laughing at him while he is eating and such, but for the story that I just read? Exact copyright of Stephanie Meyers. Not even the book, but the movie version. Of course you edited quite a bit, which I'm very happy about, but YOU and your writing personality has to be inserted in there somehow. Really show us as readers what a good author I know you actually are. Come up with some of your own twists and turns in the story, and make sure that they aren't based off of something that you've seen or read recently :P
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 11/15
Soon the bell ranged. (Chapter 1)
Soon the bell rang.
her hair falls to the length of her shoulder (c hapter 1)
her hair fell to the length of her shoulders
And my eyes landed on the girl that I have bump into this morning. (chapter 1)
that I had bumped into
The lesson went pass and we did not spoke to each other. (chapter 2)
The lesson passed and we did not speak to each other.
“How is your lesson Aaron?” Gui asked me. (chapter 2)
either can be "How was your lesson, Aaron?" or "How were your lessons, Aaron?"
Time gone fast and we went to the café. (chapter 4)
Time went fast and we went
she already at the Tians table. (chapter 4)
She was already at the Tian's table.
They look like they was about to kill me, its frightening. (chapter 4)
They looked like they were about to kill me, it was frightening.
And its really creepy.(chapter 4)
and it was really creepy.
Then I saw Hebe with the Tians. I did not want to get caught staring at them, so I look front. (chapter 4)
Then I saw Hebe with the Tians. I did not want to get caught staring at them, so I looked foreward.
A dog on the road and a car was speeding towards it. (chapter 4)
A dog was on the road and a car was speeding towards it.
, as fast or faster then wind. (chapter 4)
as fast, or faster than the wind.
Vampires does not sleep, (chapter 4)
vampires do not sleep,
Then she spoked. (chapter 5)<>
Then she spoke.
Rainie and Selina was watching me eat like they were watching a comedy show… How weird (chapter 8)
were watching me eat
was Hebe and Danson doing outside. (chapter 8)
were Hebe and Danson doing outside.
There were also many many times in the story where you started a sentence with the word 'and'. It isn't a great way to start a sentence. You could try making it a compound sentence and intertwining it with the sentence before it by just adding a comma.
Writing Style: 5/10
I really wish you would describe things a little more in your story. The setting is a school in the first couple of chapters, but you didn't say anything about items in the school, or any of the characters besides Hebe. You didn't really describe them being together at all besides the woods scene, and I really would have loved to read about more Bebu interaction, but none of it was there T.T Also, I think you could really improve the story just by adding an enter space between your paragraphs, and to make your paragraphs a little longer instead of having them all be one or two sentences long. If you are still describing or telling about the same thing, you don't have to hit the enter key and make a new line, just add a period and continue on with the tale :)
Characterization: 6/10
So Aaron is Bella, Hebe is Edward, Danson is Rosalie, Selina is Alice, and Rainie is Emmett? Did I get that all right? You20really have to add your own personalities to the characters :) It could help out the story a lot, and make it much more interesting. Also, describe them! Right now we know nothing about any of them except how Aaron just moved their or went to the school, and how Hebe turned into a vampire.
Communication with Readers: 5/5
You definately had communication with your leaders. Did they help you come up with the title and everything because of your posts? They even told you that it resembled Twilight a lot. At least your readers are honest ><
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I'm sorry, but for me it was just a bad version of Twilight. But I'm really glad that you are going to try and make it your own. Just add a few plot twists of things that weren't in the story :)
Subtotal: 58/100
Bonus: 2/5
Bonus for communicating with your readers to help you pick out a title and for listening to them when they told you that it was like Twilight ^^
Total: 60/105
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