Wishing for the Miracle... Review

Story: Wishing for the Miracle...

Author: 13nz

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/JunPin/

Status: 22+ (ongoing)
Reviewer: iasianese @ untouchable-desires

*Disclaimer: This review is only to help the author, not being hush or anything, but if this review did not fit into your taste, then I truly am sorry. However, this is in hopes that I could help you improve on your writing for the future and if you decide to write, many more fan fictions.

Title: 5/5

; Your title was good and eye catching. In addition, it really did make sense with the story, which I liked.

Forewords: 7/10 [+2]

; It was short and simple, but I believe you could of had gone into the details of the characters a little bit more, telling us what their personality is like, one word is more like dot points to me, which isn't much information. Though I have to say that your preview of the story was amazing, it really gets you thinking, is it a sad story or a happy one; you just never know.

First Impression: 6/10

; The title got me thinking about the genre, which is a good thing. I did not really get what you are trying to show in the poster besides the couple thingy, which is what I think you're trying to show; but it was well done. However, the font you chose to write the quotations was a little bit hard to read. I think if you chose to use that font, the coloring of it can be brighter, making the words easier to be seen! When the link was opened, I was shocked to the bones, it looked long... Then when I looked at the chapters, it was not as bad.

Plot/Story line: 10/15

; At parts you would leave the readers hanging, craving for more, but what I would like to know is where this story is trying to lead toward, you are not really showing that...

Flow: 4/5

; Okay, the flow in this story's flow so out of balance I guess, Judging by the looks of things, I believe you're trying to get though every bit of the details but at times the flow would either be slow of fast; butting it out of balance. The story was then starting to get into place when I reached chapter 20, so beware of what you write! :)

Creativity/Originality: 8/10

; I do not think it is original since there is heap of fan fictions out there, but your story is starting to flow as I started to read on and deeper into the story. Moreover, how she started to cough blood and everything, I think you explained it good, how she knew what is happening.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 10/15 [+3]

; Like you said in your forewords, English is not your first language, so I am not going to deduct points from you, but at places, I had to think about what you are trying to say. At least you tried, right? Anyhow the vocabulary an punctuations can be worked on, though this is only because most sentences aren’t always that short, and try to express what you’re trying to write more often; and not from time to time! ^^

; So, not being racist, but here is an example:

“Look, Dad have been told you so many times not to work. Dad still can give you money if you need it. Just tell me.” Her dad looked sad.

; This is what I reworded into, I tried to keep it similar to what you wrote: .__.

"Look, I've been telling you so many times not to work. I could always give you money if it's in need, just ask me." My father spoke, as his emotions were down - sad.

; The style in writing is correct but check your grammar, what really helps is that if you read it aloud or to someone else, you can then hear your mistakes!

Writing Style: 7/10

; The writing style is a mixed between a child’s fiction book and a script, which is something I rarely read, though I'm more of a novel reading person, the way you set out your story makes much better sense even if there’s grammatical mistakes.

Characterization: 9/10

; There weren’t as many characters which made it simpler to understand the personalities; which is a good point.

Communication with Readers: 4/5

; You're communication with the reader, was great but sometimes you can lose them with your punctuations because the English is hard to understand, but don't worry it takes time to understand and to read what you're saying; since it's your second language.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5

; I am truly enjoying your story, so please keep up the good work you are doing and in hopes that what I had pointed out will help you in the future!

Subtotal: 75/100

Bonus: 5 points ;)

Total: 80/100