That Idiot is My Boyfriend?! Review

Story Title: That Idiot is My Boyfriend?!
Author: Aaple
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/aaple_1/
Status: On Going
Reviewer: Darkess

*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*

Title: 4/5

lol it would definately catch my attention on the winglin page, and it WILL fit your story, but since it doesn't yet... I would have suggested something like 'Am I Falling for that Idiot?!' or something like that, but I'm sure within the next couple of chapters the title will come true.

Forewords: 10/10

You had cast, and even a short little mini teaser type thing that draws the readers in next time you update, so great job there.

First Impression: 8/10

Cute! I love the pic of Hebe ^^ Idunno it just looks really cute XD The yellow is calming... the purple kinda makes it look like an egglpant, but that's ok ^^

Plot/Story line: 12/15

I think the plot is really creative and well thought out so far. Like I can tell (hopefully) that you didn't just write whatever comes to mind at that moment (like I do) but you actually thought about it a little bit before you began to write. The character relationships are twisted, and I love that, and everything is coming together greatly so far.

Flow: 5/5

=0 AIt all happened in good time to me! ^.^

Creativity/Originality: 10/10

I think that all of the character relationships are all really unique. Danson is Hebe's sister whom is staying with Arron. Arron loves Hebe while she hates him but slowly starts to fall for him... they fell in a pit and ended up 'accidentally' kissing, but then it turned into a real kiss XD I love how everything is creatively playing out so far.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 12/15

cardboard, searching for clothes to wear. (chapter 1)

it isn't WRONG, but I don't think you were trying to say cardboard there... maybe cupboard or dresser? You said cardboard many times....

Mrs Bells will kill us!” (chapter 1)

Mrs. Bells will kill us!"

“I already running fast… (chapter 1)

"I'm already running fast...

I took a sit beside the window and (chapter 1)

I took a seat beside the window and

as I felt Aaron stirred. (chapter 2)

as I felt Aaron stir.

In chapter 3 you're listing things that Hebe is in Aaron's point of view, and you don't have any periods in the sentences >< even though it's a list, if you have them a part you still need end marks

when you are not looking.” (chapter 3)

when you weren't looking."

I had lent… (chapter 3)

I had borrowed...

Can be yours?” (chapter 3)

Can I be yours?"

Aaron dropped me20at the airport. (chapter 3)

Aaron dropped me off at the airport.

at the end of chapter 3 you listed again, and once again without end marks

No One opening (chapter 4)

No one came to the door, or No one opened the door.

I saw him jumped a little. (chapter 4)

I saw him jump a little.

Lets go already (chapter 4)

Let's go already

her jaws dropped. (chapter 4)

her jaw dropped.

her relaxed a little. (chapter 5)

her relax a little.

person standing at my doorsteps. (chapter 5)

people standing at my doorstep.

bad breathe! (chapter 5)

bad breath!

Your right… (chapter 6)

You're right...

I hang up. (chapter 6)

I hung up.

2 person already!” I protested. (chapter 6)

2 people already!" I protested.

thousand time… (chapter 7)

thousandth time...

she like me? (chapter 9)

she likes me?

I almost forgotten about it.. (chapter 10)

I had almost forgotten about it...

School has ended in no time… (chapter 10)

School had ended in no time...

“Your early…” (chapter 11)

"You're early..."

then me. (chapter 11)

than me.

sit beside Selina. (chapter 13)

seat beside Selina.

He fell onto me and our lips touch. (Chapter 14)

He fell onto me and our lips touched.

My eyes widen. (chapter 14)

My eyes widened.

I could tell that he is smirking. (chapter 14)

I could tell that he was smirking.

I sighed and climb on his back. (chapter 14)

I sighed and climbed on his back.

Writing Style: 6/10

It's easy to understand, but I really wish you would make paragraphs instead of just one sentence lines, and I would love to see more detail in the story as well. LIke little details like the campsite, or setting, or character traits, and more character building would be really nice too, even though you're getting off on that really well ^^

Characterization: 8/10

ARRON! HEBE! I love bebu and am I big fan. You're building on their personalities well, but I haven't really seen much description on any of the characters, which I would love to read more about.

Communication with Readers: 5/5

I like how sometimes you just end a chapter without talking afterwards, and then how sometimes you actually say why your update was delayed or something, so nice job there.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

I do like this story. I don't think it would have been something that I would have normally read, and the beginning kind of bored me a little, but starting stories are always like that. I love how you portray Arron, and how you're slowly making Hebe fall for him, but it also isn't like I'm dying to read more you know? Like I would like to read more, but if there was an update and I had something on youtube to watch or something, this wouldn't be my first priority.

Subtotal: 83/100

Bonus: 5/5

I hate bonuses -.- no point, you still have the same overall percentage o.o

Total: 88/105